A small percentage of my readers have read this content already, but I put an inordinate amount of time into this neighborhood foolishness and if I’m churning out nearly 3,000 words on something I’m going to co-opt it into a post. Four years ago, a neighbor introduced me to the concept of Beervent. Much like an advent calendar, this wonderful tradition involves unwrapping and drinking an adult beverage each night leading up to Christmas. Along with the surprise of a new beer each evening part of the fun, as my neighbor described it, is having a slightly humorous description of each beer when it’s opened each night. It will not surprise my readers that I volunteered to take on the role of crafting these “descriptions” and doing my best to make them funny. This was a bit easier the first year when we only had 12 beers, it has been a bit tougher the past three years as the roster ballooned to 18 and then 24 the last two years.
As I think I’ve mentioned previously, I enjoy drinking beers but I find some of the culture around craft breweries a bit self-serious, so many of the descriptions are aimed at poking a little fun at that seriousness. I’m not sure any of this will make much sense if you aren’t also looking at and/or drinking the beer, but as I said it’s too much writing to not share in this format. It’s probably also the largest creative writing project I tackle all year, even if it’s mostly stream-of-consciousness nonsense. As opposed to my usual nonsense. Below, then, are the 24 descriptions I wrote for the beers in this year’s Neighborhood Beervent. Enjoy.
Ommegang Brewing – Gnommegang – Belgian-Style Blonde Ale – 9.5 ABV
This is a very colorful can of beer. Which is nice, because at 9.5 I might need something pleasant to look at as I imagine the Gnomes marching off the can and beating me senseless. This has fruit aromas and a warming finish, which is exactly what I’ve come to expect from Belgians. Although I didn’t think it would have this sort of alcohol content. I think of the Belgians as a nice calm people, and here they come kicking down the front door with aggressive elves and their boozy blonde ale. I was unprepared for this.
Goose Island Brewing – Christmas IPA – IPA – 7.5 ABV
How do the various varieties of hops get their name? This beer features Northern Brewer, Chinook, Meridian, and Cashmere hops, which…fine, I guess. You could tell me those were the names of brands of sweaters, or refrigerators, or shoes and I would believe you. Or at least wouldn’t be able to disagree. But it seems they are hops and they help create a beer that is nicely balanced and dry, and festively smooth. Much like myself.
Hardywood Brewing – Bourbon Barrel Cru – Belgian Quadrupel – 12.0 ABV
So we’re doing this huh? A nice 12-percent beverage to wreak havoc on the gentlemen of Strathmore Woods. Again, what is happening with these Belgians? Also, “Cru” looks like a word that someone forgot to complete. Perhaps they had a few too many sips of this beer and then forgot what they were doing but it was too late, the bottles were already printed. This beer is said to have a smooth, robust, and warming finish which is nice since they didn’t finish the name.
Back East Brewing – Gelato Girl Orange Cream IPA – IPA – 6.5 ABV
it’s our first beer with marshmallow flavor – a taste profile that has encouraged some ridicule in the past. Though in this case, I like having a beer in the mix that evokes the halcyon days of summer. And I appreciate Back East Brewing opening its doors to the Gelato Girl after previously only showing interest in the ice cream man. Although I might argue (in fact, I am) they could probably just call it Orange Cream IPA and not involve the ice cream man or his sister gelato girl. I may launch a comic book featuring Ice Cream Man and Gelato Girl and they fight crime with marshmallow-flavored beverages. With a hint of vanilla, because that is what really does the damage.
Counter Weight Brewing – Slumbering Behemoth – Stout – 10 ABV
I’m sure no one but me recalls this, but this beer was entered in the original Strathmore Woods Beervent, and I made a very off-color joke in the description that remains maybe my favorite thing I’ve written in this silliness over the years. However, it’s a new year and I will refrain from repeating myself. I will say I look forward to drinking this beer as I’m a fan of the stouts. Also, according to the website the flavor changes as it warms, which feels like a beer magic trick. It’s two beers in one, courtesy of Counter Weight The Magnificent! Though that’s a pretty lame trick if it involves just sitting around and waiting for a beer to warm up.
Switchback Brewing – Ale – Amber Ale – 5 ABV
Now these are my kind of people. Hats off to the folks at Switchback for naming their ale “Ale.” I love that energy. Even though I’m clearly a person who never tires of writing a lot of words in search of being clever, there is something so lovely about just calling a beer “Ale.” It’s like naming a dog “Dog.” This beer is particularly well balanced and with an unusually smooth and refreshing character. Also a very simple can design that I like. Though I always get a kick out of the “since xx time” structure. I feel like that should only be used if the thing is more than 25 years old…so Switchback has a few years to go until it can bust out the “Since 2002” and not have me chuckle.
Spacecat Brewing – Winter Ale – Amber Ale – 5.8 ABV
Every year I do this there is always at least one beer that for whatever reason I can’t find a listing for on various websites. This amber ale from Spacecat is the first one to meet that criteria this year. I found a picture of the can and saw it described as malt forward. So, not much for your friendly description writer to work with. I will simply say as a longtime fan of cats, this might be my favorite can design I’ve seen thus far. Also, Spacecat reminds me of the super weird SNL Laser Cats sketches, which remains insane and funny. I may check out some of those on YouTube whilst I enjoy this beer for a truly cat-themed evening. Meow.
Counter Weight Brewing – Crucial Mass – American Double IPA – 8 ABV
Maybe because I’m more familiar with a lot of their beers – as I suspect some of our participants are as well – I find it a little tougher to riff on Counter Weight beers. I will say, I have no idea what is happening with this can, or what the name “Crucial Mass” is trying to invoke. I’ve heard of a critical mass, I’m unfamiliar with the concept of a crucial mass. It always makes me think of a good friend of mine who is deep into heavy metal and whose fantasy basketball team was called the Black Mass Reverends. Anyway, this beer has a bunch of hops that contribute big, tropical fruit flavors. Sounds refreshing. And very different from a Black Mass Reverend.
Other Half Brewing – Cheddar Broccoli – Imperial IPA - 7.9 ABV
Alright, I give up. This beer (and this brewery) have crossed the rubicon for me and I quit. I’ve good naturedly mocked the various eccentric beer names that have become commonplace in the world of craft brewing. But naming them after other non-related foods is just weird and gross. This beer could be delicious. In fact, its hand selected hops help provide notes of blueberry, mango, pineapple, sweet orange, and tropical fruit all of which sound delightful. And sounds nothing at all like cheddar broccoli. What we are even doing here. Again, I quit. This is the one that finally broke me.
Underground Beer Lab - Full Send – New England IPA – 6.8 ABV
I assume the branding of this brewery is meant to invoke the show Breaking Bad with the periodic table look and such. Which is cool – that was a good show – but without spoiling anything some unpleasant stuff happened in that lab. Hopefully THIS lab produces some beer without the incidental murder and such. The description mentions it being a juicy IPA with Citra, Strata, and Sabro hops with no mention of murder, so I’m guessing we are in the clear. But no one suspected the cancer-stricken teacher either.
Counter Weight Brewing – Cease and Remain – American IPA – 6.4 ABV
Experiments are fun. In some ways, this whole endeavor is an experiment. Mostly it’s an experiment in how much of my foolishness my friends and neighbors will tolerate over the span of 12(ish) days. According to its website this beer is also an experiment – an experiment with a new hop variety. It comes from New Zealand, which seems cool. Lots of good stuff in New Zealand, at least as far as I know. I liked the show Flight of the Concords a lot, that was about some New Zealand fellows. What was I talking about?
Norbrook Farm Brewery – Birthday Double IPA – Double IPA – 8 ABV
Does beer pair well with cake? Or should beer taste like cake? Actually, this beer promotes its cake-like texture which…seems interesting for a beer. I’m no expert, but beer is typically liquid and cake is not, which makes me question whether they meant texture or something else. Either way, I like a can that features goats celebrating and this seems like a fun party, so I see no reason the beer won’t be delicious. Actually I’m looking again and those might be sheep and not goats, and sheep are obviously way less fun to party with. I take it all back. Well not the part about the beer being delicious. I still hope that’s true.
New Park Brewing – Spectrum – Double IPA – 8 ABV
A two-time champion in this competition, here is a New Park Brewery entry to kick off this year’s competition. Not to sway the voters but there is some pedigree here. In this case it’s the Spectrum variety which features flavors of dank melon (which sounds like a good name for my garage metal band) and crushed concord grapes. Not fresh grapes mind you, crushed grapes. It’s the details like that this keep me coming back to write these things every year because as much as I enjoy drinking a beer, the self-seriousness is begging to be mocked. In fact, Crushed Concord Grapes might be Dank Melon’s first single.
Captain Zig Brewing – Goosecake – IPA – 5.5 ABV
Some of you may know, geese are a big deal in my house. We are a very, very, pro-goose household. The concept of goose cake might be too much, even for me. Apparently this is the only beer this particular brewery makes and they have been perfecting the recipe for years. Which could be a good thing if people like it…and a little sad if they don’t. The goose is seemingly some sort of superhero? I admit I’m a bit lost on this one, but if someone wants to save me a goose can, I would appreciate it.
Other Half Brewing — Green City — IPA— 6.5 ABV
When I start this writing process every year I come up with ideas for recurring bits I can do with several of the beers to help make the process a little easier. Then I typically forget. This year’s gambit will be to take a phrase from the online description and see what it most sounds like other than beer. This one is “loaded with oats for a creamy body that’s not too sweet,” which could easily be swapped in for a breakfast cereal description. Who wouldn’t want to start their day with a bowl of Green City?! That’s rhetorical, you don’t need to answer.
Fox Farm Brewing – Bluster - Double IPA - 8.0 ABV
I like the cut of Bluster’s jib, and I respect that Fox Farm keeps it simple with its beer names. Unless I’m missing something, they are all one-word names. There’s something straightforward about that I enjoy. It’s simple, elegant, and pithy. Much like myself. Except for the elegant and pithy parts. I’m often called simple. I’ve also been told I lead with wide-ranging tropical fruit qualities, which is another thing Bluster and I have in common.
Other Half Brewing – Double Mosaic Daydream – Double IPA – 8.5 ABV
This beer is described as smooth and dreamy which, if I’m continuing with my bit about substituting in other products, sounds like the description for butter. Maybe salted butter. But as a beer, it also sounds pretty good. In fact, I can’t think of many items I wouldn’t want if they were described as smooth and dreamy. Maybe car tires. Or sandpaper…if it’s smooth and dreamy it’s basically just paper.
Fat Orange Cat Brewing – She Drives A Plymouth Satellite – IPA – 7.5 ABV
I should not be this fatigued just from typing the name of a beer, yet here we are. This is a “juicy” IPA that has a good combination of juicy and hazy, at least according to the review I read on beer advocate. This beer has not been released in more than two years, so it seems we are fortunate someone tracked it down for us. For some reason I kept typing “Fate Orange Cat” when writing the brewery name which I sort of prefer. If these beer names are going to be this nonsensical, why not add even more nonsense?
Counter Weight Brewing – Rauch Bock – German Style Lager – 6.2 ABV
This is totally on me, but I have a weird thing where I can’t read German names like “Rauch Bock” and not say it in a horribly exaggerated German accent. I’m a terrible actor in a bad Bond movie, and yet I can’t stop myself. This certainly doesn’t speak to the quality of this beer, which sounds delightful. I’m sure you all will be happy to know it was “patiently horizontally lagered” which sounds both like total nonsense, and a lot like my prom night.
Fat Orange Cat Brewing – Baby Elves – Double IPA – 9.0 ABV
This can is charming as hell. The beer, on the other hand, is less charming and more confrontational. This is a holiday version of baby kittens, but punched up a bit with more hops than the original. I do enjoy the concept of a hoppy elf. This is where I confess I’ve never seen the entirety of the Will Ferrell vehicle Elf which is probably something I should remedy. Is he hoppy? Or just Buddy? Or both? I tend to think of elves as nice, friendly creatures, and yet a lot of the elf-based beers seem to pack a big punch. Maybe it’s best we leave the elves alone.
Kinsmen Brewing – BrewConn – IPA – 7.0 ABV
I’m suppressing my urge to be snarky and make fun of everything for this beer, because it’s a cool collaboration with the UConn Brewing Innovation Program students. Which…what a world we live in where people can now study brewing in college. My studies of beer in college were far, far different and much less academic. More along the lines of, how sick will I get if I walk around this room and finish all the half-finished cans or cups that are sitting around? Maybe not the most vigorous research, but it was research nonetheless and all part of a well-rounded liberal arts education.
Troegs Brewing – Mad Elf Ale – Holiday Ale – 11.0 ABV
Here’s the relevant question about this beer – how much time am I going to spend online trying to figure out how to put the umlaut over the “o” in Troegs? Because until I figure that out, I’m unlikely to focus on anything else. I will also say, if you want to go deep on this beer, the Troegs website is…in depth, with a bananas description of the beer, along with recommended food pairings. I will save you a little time and tell you it goes well with ham, has a nice contrast with coconut, and should not be mixed with peppermint. Just in case you were planning to throw back a York Peppermint Patty and crack this sucker open.
Little House Brewing – Gimmie the Gorbage – Stout – 6.2 ABV
Aha, we get at least one stout up in this beervent to bring balance to the force. I am an admitted stout fan, but mostly I just like having some variety in our beervent offerings. This is described as an easy drinking milk stout. I’m a person who spends a not insubstantial time on the internet but I was fully unaware of the “gimmie the gorbage” memes involving racoons. Whoever wrote the description of this one on untapped had a lot of similar energy to me, in that he (or she) is really going for it and trying a bit too hard. Which has me wondering if I should be impressed, intimidated or threatened. I will say threatened, and will endeavor to raise my game going forward.
Counterweight Brewing – Ho Ho Hope For The Kids – American IPA - 6.4 ABV
In case anyone was wondering why sometimes I write “IPA” “American IPA” “New England IPA” etc, I just copy whatever the brewery says on their website. I’m a plagiarist, essentially. Astute followers of Counterweight will know this is a holiday spin on their tasty No Hope For the Kids beer, with this version featuring bright grapefruit aromas and pine. Also a portion of the proceeds go to a worthwhile charity, so I will again rein in my worst instincts and instead note that we are all doing a good thing by drinking as much of this beer as possible. Good for us.