One of my children turned six today. I should write about that. I’m not quite emotionally ready to write about that. It’s nonsense instead.
Have you ever gone onto the internet hoping that some mildly domestic stay-at-home dad has ranked fruits based on much he enjoys slicing them? Of course you have, it’s a predictably common reason to log on, and this list that I ABSOLUTELY am not making up off the top of my head is now here to quench your fruit slicing satisfaction thirst. We will go in reverse order from least satisfying to most satisfying.
Mango: Any fruit that I have to go to YouTube to search how to slice (and avoid the pit) gets the bottom spot. No argument. I like eating mango quit a bit, it’s simply not worth the trouble. Also, whenever I eat mango I think about an incredibly random joke from the TV show I love Parks & Recreation where the character Tom Haverford leaves a group of people by saying, “I’m hungry, Tommy needs a mango.” I say “Tommy needs a mango” to myself every time I eat one.
Honeydew/Cantaloupe (tie): Essentially the same process here, and one I don’t particularly enjoy. Have to slice off the rind, then dealing with a weird crescent moon shape and trying to find ways to create uniform chunks. And for what? For a mediocre fruit(s)? No thanks.
Watermelon: Essentially the same issues as the aforementioned melons, but with more juice to deal with. And seeds (sometimes)! So why is it one position more satisfying than those other two? Because taking out a giant knife and hacking into a big watermelon can be oddly satisfying. It’s like tapping into that 1-percent of us all that enjoys stabbing things. You know that part, the part I probably shouldn’t be talking about in a public post.
Pineapple: Pineapple is in the running for my favorite fruit. It is not a pleasurable slicing experience. It ticks up a few spots from those ones above because I do enjoy that it presents something of a problem-solving mystery. How close can I go to the rind? Or the core? I feel like I’m living dangerously when slicing pineapple. And it’s delicious, though it also makes a pretty big mess.
Grapes: I’m not sure I’ve actually ever sliced a grape, so this ranking is slightly hypothetical. I am quite certain it would require a serrated knife, and a steady hand. Feels like a middle of the road slicing experience, which is why it occupies this spot. I do like having to concentrate for my slicing, but I do worry about injury risk. Slicing grapes is only on my mind because I saw recently that sliced grapes are a recommended food for geese — which means I suspect I will be slicing grapes in the future.
Peach: Now we are talking some intriguing fruits. There’s a degree of difficulty that appeals to me with a peach, along with a uniformity that makes the slicing end result feel very nice. Though this rank is highly dependent on the ripeness…being able to easily remove the pit is crucial for successful slicing. If that turns into a battle, peaches are plummeting down these rankings.
Strawberries: I love slicing a strawberry. It provides just slight bit of resistance with a sharp knife, but not enough that it’s a challenge. There is also some satisfaction in the creativity that comes with strawberry slicing as the unique shapes allows for the slicing to come from a variety of angles and formations. This can also work against its satisfaction on occasion, as sometimes I just want to turn my brain off and slice, but the strawberry doesn’t let you take a break. It requires constant decision making. It is a several-step process to do it properly as well, having to cut out the stem and then slice, otherwise it feels a bit wasteful if you just slice off the top which sacrifices some usable fruit. Strawberry slicing leaves me conflicted, which is why it can rank no higher than fourth.
Pear: Many of the same positive qualities of the peach, but with an easier core to deal with. If it’s a nice ripe pear, a butter knife might even be able to get the slicing job done. Pears are right down the middle, nothing fancy, just simple, straightforward slicing. The only negative I can think of is trying to slice an overly-ripe pear can be a bit of a nightmare, but that’s true of any of these fruits. Pear slicing is a solid A- — it’s not perfect, but you’ll never feel bad about it afterwards.
Apple: My whole apple slicing universe recently changed, and changed drastically for the better. Previously, I would cut the apple into halves or quarters, and then similarly to the cantaloupe/honeydew duo, would attempt to cut out the core with it facing up, almost trying to scoop it out with the knife. I’ve now moved to placing the quarter flat, and cutting down on the diagonal to core it. My world has opened up. It’s simpler, cleaner, and allows for a much easier transition to the slicing itself, which is immensely satisfying. Requires a sharp knife, but it’s a pretty forgiving slice — precision not required. And those slices look so appealing, I have never sliced an apple and not popped one or two of them into my mouth during the process. I used to have a gadget where you put it on top of the apple and pressed it down and through, which would both core and slice the apple at once. It was fine, but oddly shaped apples proved problematic, and it left me with more of a wedge than a slice. I’ve seen some that JUST core, rather than slice, which I find intriguing. Might have to redo the whole list if I get my hands on one of those bad boys.
(Note — I’m sure there are other fruits being sliced out there that I left off this list — I was trying to cover things I’m regularly slicing. If there are monsters out there regularly slicing raspberries, blueberries, or plums, I don’t want to hear about it.)
Banana: Of course. What else could it be. So easy to slice it can be done with a butter knife. Almost no resistance when slicing through, but just that tiny little bit that lets you know you’re doing “something” and then that ultra-satisfying click when the knife hits the counter with each slice. Thin, thick, on a cutting board, directly over a bowl of cereal, into a smoothie cup, slicing a banana is pure bliss every time. Requires almost no focus or thought — it is purely zen. I honestly have considered a school of therapy or meditation that is just slicing bananas for an hour at a time. It’s an obvious number one, and I will hear no other arguments.
There is the definitive, and highly necessary list of fruit slicing satisfaction. What’s that? You suspect I created this entire thing because I wanted to write about slicing bananas and thought that would be weird as a solo item so I reverse engineered this entire bonkers list? Why that’s ridiculous, what kind of lunatic would spend an hour of his Saturday night doing…HEY LOOK OVER THERE!!!!!
Post done.
Re: banana slicing
“..that ultra-satisfying click when the knife hits the counter with each slice”
USE A CUTTING BOARD!
Love, wife
Enjoyed this very much. Although, how dare you do raspberries, blueberries, and plums like that.