Usually when I start these things I at least know what the tone is going to be. Whether I’m attempting (and failing) to be funny, or shooting for something more personal and emotional, I generally know what type of post it’s going to be. This time, we are going to head on this journey together and see where it takes us. Come on, it will be an adventure. Bonus trivia. The line “come on, it will be adventure” features prominently in the series finale of a show that will be a part of my top-10 favorite tv shows post if I ever write it. Name the show and you will win…something.
Like many of my writing ideas, this was inspired by something the great Joe Posnanski wrote, though he was talking about baseball. He noted that players who are above average at lots of things often get overlooked and overshadowed by players that are elite at one obvious thing. Those more well-rounded players may actually be more valuable but tend to get less fanfare. For some reason, that notion resonated with me and it spoke to how I think of myself as a parent; solid but not spectacular. Workmanlike. One thing led to another in my head as I pondered parenting and sports comparisons, and ultimately I came up with the idea of grading my parenting on a scouting scale similar to the one used in baseball (to be explained in a moment). But since no such scale existed, I needed to create one.
First, allow me, or actually allow Posnanski from his wonderful The Baseball 100 to explain the baseball scouting scale.
“Scouts rate players on five tools (hitting, power, defense, speed, and arm) on a 20-to-80 scale. The scale itself works like so:
20 means poor.
30 means well below average.
40 means below average.
50 means average.
60 means above average or in scouting terms ‘plus’.
70 means well above average or ‘plus-plus’.
80 means hall of fame level.”
So that’s the way scouts rate and categorize baseball players, although I’ve never seen an explanation of why it’s 20-to-80 and not 10-to-100 or some other set of numbers. We can address that history some other time, but now to complete this exercise that I wholly made up I need to determine what the five critical parenting tools are. Unless I can find a way to relate hitting, power, defense, speed, and arm to parenting…which I cannot. After giving it a lot (or about as much as I give to any of these things) I came up with what I felt are five universal tools of parenting based on my nine years of experience. My intention is that these are universal to moms and dads so as to make this as relevant as possible for all the parents out there, but if I failed please don’t hesitate to let me know.
Please allow the usual caveats that I have no idea what I’m talking about, and for fear of boring everyone with my parenting anecdotes I will try to keep this relatively brief in describing why I chose these five tools, and then will offer my own completely objective grade of my ability with that tool. Make sense? Probably not, but here we go.
Listening: This one was actually a suggestion from my therapist when I broached the idea for this topic with him. He offered a whole long explanation for why it’s an important skill for a parent, but I wasn’t really paying attention so I don’t recall what he said. I guess it’s important for the child to feel like you’re really hearing what they are saying, and thus make appropriate parenting responses. At least that’s a nice theory. I will freely admit, this is probably my weakest tool. Granted, Declan has limited verbal ability so it’s not one I’ve spent a lot of time honing, but I would suspect at least some of my problems with Rory come from me not listening very well. I suppose that’s something I could work to improve, but it’s easier to just bemoan the failures. If I am really being honest in my self-evaluation, I think I listen, but don’t hear, if I can quote a concept from the classic basketball hijinks film White Men Can’t Jump.
My listening grade: 30
Commitment: I initially called this one “responsibility” but it mostly amounts to the same thing. Are you all-in? Are you actually trying to do this and are truly invested in parenting your kid? I’m using “you” hypothetically here, I don’t really know what you’re doing with your family and certainly am not trying to make you feel bad about it. This one feels like a critical one for me because if you’re below average here it’s likely to infect the other tools. If you’re a 30 commitment, it suggests a parent isn’t going to spend a lot of time listening, or handling the other tools I’m about to get to. Without spoiling the rest of this highly captivating piece, this is where I come the closest to excelling.
My commitment grade: 60 (I toyed with the idea of a 70 here, but didn’t want to give myself that much credit).
Joy: I do not really subscribe to the idea of parents as a child’s best friend. Not judging, but that doesn’t feel right to me. There is also certainly a worry when thinking about joy about being the “fun” parent who maybe has a 70 grade in joy, but thinks that allows them to skip out on all the other tools because the kids like them. I have actually surprised myself as a parent with how comfortable I am with my kids being mad at me. Not something I enjoy, but sometimes that’s just the way it goes. It’s an odd contrast because I’m so desperate for approval in other ways….such as writing weird columns on the internet for friends and strangers. All those caveats aside, it’s really hard to make it through the grind of parenting without bringing some joy into the mix. My favorite kid show the boys have ever watched is Bluey. The parents in that show are a fairly unrealistic model of the joy tool, but they do demonstrate the value. If you take nothing else from this story, I encourage you to watch Bluey, with or without your children. I do okay with joy, but maybe not as well as I expected. If you had presented me with this list before I had kids, I would have guessed this would be my standout tool.
My joy grade: 50
Creativity: This was another one where I had a few different words in mind to express what I think is the important tool. I also considered flexibility, resourcefulness, and improvisation…and maybe one other word that I can’t remember now. Either way, my thought here was that in my experience a whole bunch of parenting is just trying stuff and seeing what works. Your kids mad about something, let’s pivot to this. Can’t get your kid to do what they are supposed to do, try something else. Plans are great, and I actually initially had organization as one of the proposed tools. But from my experience, lots of planning with kids is a fool’s errand, and more often then not it becomes trying to come up with ideas or solutions in the moment that is what’s necessary. I don’t know that I’m all that nimble or quick thinking when it comes to this tool, but I am fairly good at not panicking which is also part of it. Let’s see what the scouts think!
My creativity grade: 50
Patience: Pretty self-explanatory. I’m tempted to just post the link to the youtube video of Chris Cornell covering the song Patience and calling it a day. I suspect you all know why patience is important as a parent and don’t need me to spell it out. This feels like another one that supplements the other tools. A good listener is patient. Being patient allows you to access the joy and creativity. Or maybe I’m just making stuff up. Whatever, I’m fairly patient. And you all are too for reading along with my nonsense.
My patience grade: 60
Also, let’s do this anyway.
Going back to where we started, that’s a 30 grade, two 50s, and two 60s which feels about right and seems to validate my original presence. Other tools I considered but didn’t go with: love (felt a little too obvious and didn’t want to get into a position where I’m judging how much parents love their kids), attentiveness, maturity, self-awareness, and dancing. Okay, I didn’t really consider dancing.
There you have it, the parenting rating scale that is no doubt going to sweep the nation. Not that I am not interested at other times, but I’m genuinely interested in feedback on this one. Do those tools make sense? What others might be better at “grading” parenting ability? And feel free to share your own assessments if only to make me feel bad about my mediocrity. Because why post things on the internet if not to have people virtually dunk on you and make jokes about how the real tool is me. They wouldn’t be wrong — good thing I don’t really listen.
Simply by your writing this substack, I will give you 10 points on every skill. You are in it for real.
“He offered a whole long explanation for why it’s an important skill for a parent, but I wasn’t really paying attention so I don’t recall what he said.” So good.
“When I say ‘Hello Mr Thompson’ and stomp on your foot, you say …”