Beervent 2 -- The Return

That's a terrible title, I'm sorry

What’s this, two posts in two days? This one is really cheating, but I’m trying to get myself back into a writing rhythm, so why not steal a little bit of previous work to get another post on the books? Everyone wins.

I did this last year as well so I will go quickly through the details. Five years ago, a neighbor introduced me to the concept of Beervent. Much like an advent calendar, this wonderful tradition involves unwrapping and drinking an adult beverage each night leading up to Christmas. Along with the surprise of a new beer each evening part of the fun, as my neighbor described it, is having a slightly humorous description of each beer when it’s opened each night. It will not surprise my readers that I volunteered to take on the role of crafting these “descriptions” and doing my best to make them funny. This was a bit easier the first year when we only had 12 beers, it has been a bit tougher the past few years as the roster ballooned to 18 and then 24 the last three years. This is s probably also the largest creative writing project I tackle all year, even if it’s mostly stream-of-consciousness nonsense. Below, then, are the 24 descriptions I wrote for the beers in this year’s Neighborhood Beervent. Enjoy.*

*This year we broke the 24 beers up into two groups of 12. So the first 12 beers are Team North, the second 12 are Team South. The delineation is noted below.

On the first day of Beervent I drank this lovely beer.

Duclaw Brewing – Sweet Baby Jesus – Chocolate Porter – 6.2 ABV
What a fitting start to our little endeavor as this is the reason for the season and all. I have to be honest, everytime I see this beer I think about the scene in Talladaga Nights where Ricky Bobby keeps mentioning the sweet baby Jesus while saying grace. I will never complain about a combination of chocolate and peanut butter, even in a full-bodied porter.

Industrial Arts Brewing – Wrench – New England IPA – 7.1 ABV
Every single thing is perfect. No, that’s not an opinion on my personality or the content of these descriptions, that’s an online review of this particular beverage we are about to enjoy. I cannot attest to the validity of this internet opinion, only that it exists. I, for one, am excited about the prospect of naming beers after tools. I think claw hammer has a great nose and a fruity taste.

Zero Gravity Brewing – Green State – Pilsner – 4.9 ABV
A satisfying beer that is as welcoming as the Green State itself. I grew up in the Green State, and I’m not sure “welcoming” is a word that springs to mind as a natural descriptor, but I am a fan of this beer. I can imagine drinking it whilst enjoying a hike through the picturesque green mountains of Vermont, while trying to get away from the locals who often are not all that welcoming.

Greater Good Brewing – Powder Season – Winter Ale – 8.0 ABV
A little boozier at eight percent than I expect from a winter ale, but the delightful can has me in the holiday spirit. I might just start using the cherry emoji in place of the letter “o” from here 🍒n. That won’t be ann🍒ying at all. This seems like as g🍒🍒d a time as any t🍒say I’m really n🍒t c🍒mf🍒rtable reading the w🍒rd “m🍒uthfeel” 🍒ver and 🍒ver in researching these descripti🍒ns. This beer was made with real cherries, hence the em🍒ji bit. S🍒rry.

Counterweight Brewing – Fresh Drip – Coffee Porter – 5.8 ABV
Good variety so far, as we return to the Porter roots of our first beer, yet this time with no biblical ties. The coffee in this beer is used from a place in Wallingford called Yellow Kings, which I’ve never heard of, but now want to check out as I love a good coffee shop. In my out-of-touchness, I think “drip” is some sort of slang for coolness these days, but I am way too uncool to try and incorporate it in this description. Just wanted you all to know the bullet you dodged.

Berkshire Brewing – Coffeehouse Porter – American Porter – 6.2 ABV
A theme may be emerging from Team North as we sip our third porter in six days. Will the trend continue…only your faithful narrator knows. I’m not wild about “Dean’s Beans” as the name of this coffee provider. I am excited to try a beer with a 91 score on Beer Advocate that is described as robust and aromatic.

New England Brewing – Fuzzy Baby Ducks – New England IPA – 6.2 ABV
All Citra all day. If I were going to get a beer-themed tattoo, that’s what it might say. I have no plans to get a beer-themed tattoo, for the record. I just like the way that sounds. This classic of the IPA game boasts it only uses Citra hops, hence the all Citra all day description. The taste notes also mention papaya, which is not a fruit that often gets mentioned, so I’m mentioning it.

Barn Brewing Company – Haze for Horses – IPA – 6.4 ABV
I like when we get some geographic diversity with our selections, and here we have Eastern CT entering the chat. No offense to this brewery, but the description of this beer on their website is exactly the sort I am trying to gently poke fun at with my efforts. Allow me to quote: “We're not horsin' around with this one! Kicking back with our Haze for Horses IPA is like galloping across a prairie of ginormous flavors including Hard Lemon Candy and Sweet Citrus. Crack open one of these babies, and everything's sure to get hazy!” Hopefully I’m not quite as cringey with my foolishness.

Fox Farm Brewing – Burst – IPA – 7.0 ABV
In contrast to yesterday’s overly written description, here is what Fox Farm wrote about this beer on its website: “Our original India Pale Ale. Generously dry-hopped with a blend of our favorites.” Well then, not much to work with here. No obscure fruits mentioned, or odd adjectives describing smells or feels. Just straight down the middle with a one-word name. I respect it, Burst. Be who you are.

Underground Beer Lab – Singularity At The Center – Imperial Stout – 8.5 ABV
Aha, we’ve dabbled in porters, but now a stout enters the mix. This one boasts flavors of chocolate and dark fruit…which, I must admit, I have no idea what that means. The name is in reference to the darkness of the beer, and the richness of its flavor. Okay. I do dig the can, and the simplicity of design. I will surely stare at this whilst drinking a delicious stout and pondering the nature of existence. As one does around the holidays.

Counterweight Brewing – Revelator – Double Bock – 8.0 ABV
Cheshire favorite Counterweight checks in with a second entry, and we get yet another different beer type in the double bock. By my count that’s six different variations among the 11 thus far, which is commendable variety. End the IPA dictatorship, that’s what I say. Counterweight’s description of this one is a tad much for me – “notes of toffee, caramel, soft cocoa with a touch of wood derived vanilla.” Just a touch of wood derived vanilla, and not just regular vanilla. I can say, I will be singing, in my head and possible out loud, “revelators, mount up” with each sip of this beer.

Counterweight Brewing – Polotmavy – Czech Lager – 4.8 ABV
We have reached the conclusion of our journey, so let me sincerely say “merry Christmas” fellas. Thanks for being a part of this. We wrap with our third Counterweight, a nice light, crisp Czech lager. No idea what makes a lager “Czech style” as opposed to another style, but I’m up for something “incredibly drinkable and refreshing” to close out this yearly event. Happy beervent to all and to all a good night. Cheers!

HERE BEGINS THE TEAM SOUTH BEERS

Ommegang Brewing – Rare Vos – Amber Ale – 6.5 ABV
Apparently Rare Vos means “strange fox” in…some European language, I’m not sure which one. It’s from Belgium, but I think they speak both French and German (and maybe Dutch) in different parts of Belgium, so you guys can figure out which language is being represented here. Perhaps look it up whilst sipping this ale with orange peel, grains of paradise and coriander. A very underrated beer spice, IMO.

Tröegs Brewing – The Mad Elf – Holiday Ale – 11.0 ABV
Now we are off and running with a nice 11-percent holiday ale. I’m going to be honest, I’m mostly excited about this because I recently learned how to successfully get the umlaut (or other characters) above the letter “o” in Tröegs. I’m far too excited about this. This beer boasts flavors of cherry and honey – neither of which I particularly associate with the holiday season, but I will defer to the Mad Elf. He seems pretty sure of himself.

Front Porch Brewing – Neil’s French Toast Donut Stout – 10.0 ABV
Team South really getting after it here in the early days. Not sure anyone is making it to Christmas at this rate. About the only thing in which I’m confident regarding this beer is that Front Porch Brewing could use a website upgrade. There is little info about this beer on the internets, so instead I will relay that we had a babysitter recently whose sister worked at Neil’s Donuts and she brought donuts for my boys wholly unprompted. That, my friends, is a quality babysitter.

New Park Brewing – Little Cloud – IPA – 5.5 ABV
A former champion, or at least a championship brewery, has entered the ring. This time it’s Little Cloud, which is said to feature flavors of lemon meringue, white tea, jasmine flowers, and white grape juice. Now, this is the sort of thing that drives me a little crazy in the beer description world. Can someone please explain to me how the flavor of lemon meringue is different from just lemon? It’s a texture, not a flavor. Either way, pretentious description aside, this sounds delicious.

Frost Beer Works – Little Lush – IPA – 5.5 ABV
Team South has pivoted from the strong ales and stouts to some seemingly drinkable light IPAs. Happy to have my native Vermont represented here, with a beer described as “a little guy trying to make it in the big IPA world.” Isn’t that something to which we all can relate? Just a plucky little IPA, writing pointless beer descriptions as my eyes cross and I am pummeled by the reality of big IPA life. Or something.

Counterweight Brewing – Cease And Remain – American IPA – 6.4 ABV
The IPA run continues, this time with an entry from Cheshire gem Counterweight. I don’t think a Counterweight beer has ever won this competition, which surprises me a little bit given its popularity. Maybe this one, which has flavors of lychee (which according to Google is a real fruit) and guava, is the one to break the shut out. It’s well known that people love the lychee/guava combination, so I like its chances.

Kent Falls Brewing – Buddy Sprinkles Saves The Day – IPA – 6.5 ABV
I will be honest, I had never heard of Kent Falls Brewing, and after quickly browsing their website they have – to use a technical term – a fuckton of beers. This one is apparently named for the cat that roams the farm, and has a citrus burst with a clean, crisp finish. I don’t want to spoil anything, but this feels like a clear winner for most bonkers name and can design of the Beervent 2024 event.

Other Half Brewing – Green City – IPA – 7.0 ABV
This brewery seemed to be gaining popularity over the past few beervents, and it is back with an entry this year. Green City is their flagship IPA and boasts a creamy body that’s not too sweet. Which is teeing me up for a joke that I’m not going to make in order to demonstrate my increased maturity. Instead I will note that this beer is loaded with oats making it similar to a horse. Though presumably better tasting, as horse meat is notoriously gamey.

Treehouse Brewing – Juice Machine – Double IPA – 8.2 ABV
A little hard to believe this is the first double IPA of the Beervent (and I have it on good authority there was nary a double IPA among the 12 Team North beers). If you’re going double, it’s hard to go wrong with one from the good folks at Treehouse, who seem to know their way around a double IPA. Lots of fruit flavors and “waves of dankness” in this one, and “waves of dankness” absolutely should have been an alternative rock band from the early 2000s.

Counterweight Brewing – Daybloom – Belgian-Style Wheat Ale – 5.0 ABV
The IPA era ends (perhaps briefly) with this wheat ale from Counterweight. I can personally say, I had one of these on a cold winter’s night prior to Beervent and it was pleasing. I’m not sure a beer can be both “dry and refreshing” as the website proclaims, but who am I to question the experts. Credit to the writers for squeezing “harmoniously” into the description. That’s a fun word, and a tricky one to organically work into anything.

Battery Steele Brewing – Flume Squared – Double IPA – 8.0 ABV
Well, I figured out the umlaut, but I cannot figure out how to add the “squared” two above the word Flume. Which seems to be the way this brewery, based in Portland Maine, seems to write the name of this beer. I just did some actually Googling and still couldn’t find the answer. This is aggravating. Also, I found basically no information on this beer, though I don’t think we’ve ever had a Maine entrant in Beervent. Either way, I’ve never felt more letdown by the internet.

City Steam Brewing – Naughty Nurse – Amber Ale – 5.2 ABV
We have reached the conclusion of our journey, so let me sincerely say “merry Christmas” fellas. Thanks for being a part of this. We wrap with Naughty Nurse, a beer with a “spicy, slightly bittersweet finish” which I think is how we all feel as Beervent comes to a close. Hopefully more spicy than bittersweet. Happy beervent to all and to all a good night. Cheers!